All right, I know it's been said before...

...but what is the BIG DEAL about killing people?? Seriously...everything I've done is for the greater good...including that time with the ice chest, and the hooker...not including the times I was bored...people just don't understand.



Like when I tried to break out of Primatech Paper with the virus. I am HELPING people with that virus...once they are all dead, you will thank me, I swear. Plus it gives me something to do, and I get to meet all these interesting people who will eventually betray me and leave me even more embittered than before...but no, Kaito did not understand. He ordered some men to grab me with their rough and burly hands, and throw my defenseless body into a cell before I could even cry "RAPE!"



Peter didn't understand either, when I killed Victoria Pratt...at least not until I convinced him I was in the right, the gullible puppy. He saved my life, I saved his, it's a good trade off I think. I should have never told people that shooting my head off would kill me...at the time, I thought I wanted to die, to rid myself of the hideous leech of human life...but no. Now I have a purpose, to kill other people instead...



Wait a minute...listen to me...I'm starting to sound like that awful Company girl! I don't enjoy killing people! Only when I have nothing else to do... I don't want to sound like her...we never did get along...



"DAAD, Adam hit me!"

"I did not! Shut up!"



Somehow every encounter with her seemed to end up in witholding food from me for another week...no, I definitely do not want to be like Elle. Instead, I will be a tragic figure, tragically misunderstood, tragically killing people for the greater good, tragically. With my tragic partner Peter. Hey, Peter, put that noose down!

This day just keeps getting better...

So I wake up this morning and get thoroughly run through by a javelin. I know, fun, right? WRONG, I mean, unless you hadn't already done that about 15 times already. Peter hadn't, so I shared the experience to take his mind off his pains.

Then I tried turning on my opera tapes to cheer myself up, but it turns out the Company had already got to them during my incarceration...they had all been replaced by Elle's horrible showtunes and Bob humming along in the background...speaking of which...why isn't he dead yet?? When it is implied that someone is going to die, I mean it! I might have to do it myself, since I can't trust anyone to follow through my instructions...how predictable...

So I set off to the music store to find some more classics...the owner guy was really creepy and bald and had a seedy-looking mustache of some sort...



"I'm looking for Le Nozze de Figaro, 1786"

"Uhh, sorry, we don't carry that anymore"

"Look, I'm kind of in a to-do here young man, I'm trying to change history and I need to come up with a plan that involves revenge, a virus, and world domi--peace ASAP and I can't take excuses right now! What DO you have?"

Turns out that was a total waste of time, I guess this decade sucks as far as musical tastes go. All the guy had were a bunch of tapes with a weird sort of grunting on them...whatever...I stabbed the guy with my javelin and turned to leave. I got shot trying to leave the store...they could have been friends of the owner dude, but they also could have been after my old (albeit ruined) opera tapes, and I wasn't going to let them off for that...so I killed them too and went home.

When I finally returned, I found Peter lying in a pool of blood...not his own blood, of course, I think it was elephant or chicken or some such. He was crying as per usual and it was quite disturbing. So I surprised him with a gift of brand new sock puppets to quiet him some and then got to thinking on what to do next...

Victoria Pratt

Hey, what’s that picture doing there? Great, now I’ll have to deal with his fish-faced progeny out for revenge.



“My name is Hiro Nakamura, you kill my father, prepare to die!”

As if I didn’t have enough on my platter to begin with…I still haven’t found Victoria Pratt…I just want to talk with her, honestly. If only I could lure that dyslexic cop to the dark side…I mean, the light side…



Also top on my list of priorities: THE SHANTI VIRUS.

Not that I would use it for its destructive properties or anything. Deadly viruses can be very beneficial…for…humanitarian purposes. Yes.

I would just like to remind all of you out there who might be reading: revenge is not the answer…there are some things you just need to let go of. Like everything you love being laid to waste. I mean, come on, you should definitely not seek out the killer of your father and attempt to assert violence on his person, right? It’s just bad karma.

Warning: Evil Paper Company!

A little over six months ago, I escaped from Company clutches with my new BFF. The first thing I did was eat a sandwich. They didn't even feed me over at the Company, they just forgot about me after a while...and believe me, it's not something I'm the type to forget. Be sure to read more about what I've been up to post-incarceration here.

And yes, before you ask, I did try seducing Bob. Didn't work...I quickly gave it up, turns out nothing could tempt me into becoming THAT desperate.



I did start on his daughter, though...a desperate moment if ever there was one. Needless to say, it ended badly. Pity...she was cute for a Company rat and a psycho. What can I say, it can get pretty lonely in a holding cell....and it would have been a lot less squicky if I hadn't watched her grow up. I suppose loneliness is the price you pay for eternal youth.

I'm trying to bring down this Company, but one of my followers has been compromised. So if you are looking for revenge, and have no problem with killing people, I have a spot open for you. Time's running short, however, so don't dally...please bump off Bob Bishop immediately.

400 Years and Lookin' Fine

Not fine as in, "Yeah, fine whatever." Fine as in, "Damn, that man is FINE!"

Yes, friends, I have finally found it fitting and proper to create a blogging account in what is known as "the Interwebs." It is important to adapt to the modern advancements of each century. That's why I use slang in everyday conversation, keep up with the most fabulous of hairstyles (in case you were wondering, I use gel), and use my highly interconnected web of influence to keep up on the affairs of small Japanese men. Because if there's one thing I've learned after years of solitude, it's that I know how to keep a grudge.

But don't think I've spent the whole time brooding and seducing women; I've picked up a few hobbies over the years. Dropped just as many, I might add. Sports? Been there, done that. Drinking? Elle's got nothing on me. (Though we do both happen to be blonde...perhaps we're related! Nope, not going to go there again.)

No, my most enduring hobby happens to concern you. Chances are, I already know who you are. Now I'm giving you a chance to know me. Back in England, I had a friend once who said, "All authority is equally bad." Which is why I'm saving you from it, by offering a hand in partnership to anyone with ultimate power.* We can make the world a better place...for our children.

*Amnesia and being chained to a shipping container in Cork, Ireland may or may not be included.